How can you get away from yourself?
You can hide from the world. Your home, your covers in bed, your car, your office. These are all great hiding places. from things and people outside of you...But what if...What if you are trying to get away from yourself?
I wonder, as I sit here typing this confession, if my insides will find out that I just want to get away from them and act out. I wonder what they are planning for my next bout of torture and potential demise of my unborn baby and possibly me. I tip toe around what I eat and how I play. Frightened that one wrong choice will doom me to hours of pain. Each corner I turn could be the wrong way in this wretched maze of poor health.
My team of medical professionals can’t answer for me the questions I have in a concrete way and they certainly give me no hope of recovery. My fear of what is certain to come makes my out of the house adventures and early mornings a terrifying prospect. Each night, before I fall into dreams about dead babies and error after error in trials, I dread the thought of waking up. I have had this dread before. That was depression. I didn’t want to kill myself. But I didn’t want to wake up either. Ever again. This time I want to wake up. I want to be alive. But when I wake up...that's when the pain starts again. This costs a mental toll. And I’m running out of funds to pay this fee.
I’m defeated. I give up. And now with a grey cloud of percents and possibilities of failure of life and health over my head all I can do is wait for my third boy to make his appearance.
I want to find shelter from this literal internal battle. But how can you get away from yourself?
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