Bedtime: 11.26.2013

Ah, bedtime. The first word that comes to mind is: No.

No sleeping.
No talking.
No tossing and turning.
No alone time.
No. No. No.

I have been so focused on changing my way of thinking. Changing how I approach life and being a little easier on myself and my loved ones.

Then, bedtime happens.

Most nights it is a shit show of tears and fights and stories and bribes. It nearly always ends with both my husband and I exhausted and thinking that there has to be a better way. We have tried just about everything we are comfortable with and yet still, the battle of the bedtime rages on.

By the time little eyes start to droop my patience has been worn thin. The tires on my parenting vessel are tread-less, I can't stop my emotions from slamming into my daughter's. The clash is epic and no one wins. By the time she settles down, I have gone from a content, happy mom, to an angry, frustrated mom. She eventually drifts off and I feel awful. What is it about bedtime that brings out the angry green guy who lives deep inside?

This will be my next self-improvement project. I can feel a shift happening in more recent weeks. The nights that end peacefully are starting to outweigh the horrendous ones. My anxiety at 7:30 is considerably less than it was two months ago. I have to hold onto the faith that this too shall pass.

Before I gave birth to my daughter I had visions of nighttime bliss. Stories followed by sweet snuggles as she would drift off to sleep. Evenings spent recapping my day with my husband while the kiddo would sleep soundly in her bed.

Flash forward to over three years later. She is passed out in our bed, taking up more space with her 30 pound body than my husband and I combined. This slumber is only after the aforementioned struggle. Sure, books and snuggles are part of the routine but so are arguments and lost tempers, guilt and an undeniable feeling of failure.

It is the latter that I struggle with the most. I have to let go of the unrealistic fantasy and ease off the pressure I put on myself and my child. Nothing in parenting is as you planned but that doesn't make it any less perfect. Tonight, during the bedtime boycott, I will try to focus on the good. I will ease up on the ideals and in turn, ease up on myself.