I was so afraid. I was elated. I was many things. I still am really.
Hey, you in there….are you listening. You terrify me. Just like the other two. Scared out of my mind. Each of them holding a special type of terror.
First there was the unknown fear. Not knowing what to expect. Not knowing if he would just die. That happens sometimes, you know. No reason. Just dead. Poof like that. I had no clue what I was doing. Everyone said I’d be fine and once he got here I’d know what to do. They were right….But I didn’t know that at the time. Eventually, to save my sanity, I had to let go. He would come. Everything would be fine. And, it was.
Then there was the fear of my own death. I had so much love for this new life. He was growing. I felt amazing. Then….then all of a sudden I didn’t. Then I thought I was going to die. Every night, every nap, every time I closed my eyes - I could die and just not wake up. I started to hate him. That’s the next fear. Hate. I was horrified that I hated this, this, this thing inside me. Just his presence meant illness, loneliness, heartbreak. All of it. In the end when I found out he was fine, when I found out that I would be fine after he came….I let go. Two days later he came. I had let go. Everything was fine.
So far we have: The fear of the unknown, the fear of death, the fear of hate. Then there’s you. I hope you are listening.
I was never afraid of the day the others came. I was looking forward to it. I welcomed it. I knew that meant new beginnings. New hope, more love, healing...And I know there's more love with you on the way. I just….I’m so scared of the day you come. See, before it was them making the choice to come. They told my body that it was time. This time its the doctors. Its my history. A burden you have to carry. I know it will be fine. This happens all the time but I’m having a really hard time letting go this time. I’ve known it for a while now. I’ve even consciously tried to let go, like the other times. Something is different. I’m still scared, I still can’t let go and now you will be here in 3-4 days.
What makes you so different? Why can’t I let go?
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