It's when I see someone who looks
just like him
and I let my heart fill with light
instead of my eyes with tears
because I've stopped asking
why why why
Sometimes the light hurts
and sometimes it's a release
like a gratifying knuckle-crack
Sometimes I even laugh out loud
It's when I take the microphone
after ten minutes of deep breaths
and thinking I might
perhaps
say something witty
when I have the thing in my hands
but I don't
say something witty
My hands tremble
but I open the notebook anyway
and read
I don't worry about what anyone
might say about it after
It's when the sun sets
and I crumple up the list
the one with only 1/10 the items crossed out
I don't make the sauerkraut
I crawl in bed with him instead
and wrap myself around his still-small body
the one that will push me away before too long
and when his breath regulates to the sleep-rhythm
I whisper my dreams in his ear
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