Surrender 12.23.13

The Whip Master’s Assistant

Waiting outside
the big top for the promised tornado:
the sky is pregnant with creams, blues
fresh as veins on the back of hands,
layers of grey, countless and exact.

Lightning flares,
electric pink at the core, spills
into nearby clouds- roses bloom and close
with terrific speed; static, flared fully open,
spectacular for only an instant, then gone,
a retinal imprint.

The sound- sharp and deep,
a gong splitting in two- is barely delayed.
Very like the sonic boom of the bullwhip
she is learning to stand in front of, a stage act
where she holds plastic roses and newspaper
at arms length for decapitation or shredding.

She still blinks at the whip, but is steady,
eager even, in the face of the storm,
finds it easier to trust ruthless indifference
than human error.

But the pleasant resignation, the thrill of fear
relaxing into fate: familiar.

Surrender: 12.15.2013

Why can we not stay forever awake? Eyes, ears, senses all open to our surroundings.

I figure the world will do something exciting whilst I rest.

Forsaking closed eyes for the possibility of witnessing whatever may come.

It often does not come, and forced to surrender to sleep, I reluctantly shut my eyes in the world.

Perhaps, in dreams, revelation.

Making 12.12.2013


I was barely a teenager when my mom taught me to sew. It was intimidating at first, deciphering patterns and holding tender fingertips so close to the machine's stabbing needle. But in time it became second nature; I could practically thread a bobbin in my sleep. Now, I often choose to sew by hand, favoring the hypnotizing monotony of pulling each stitch taut.

My grandmother taught me to knit, but my aunt taught me to purl. That first winter, I read the whole Harry Potter series while knitting, propping the open books against a coffee mug and turning the pages only when I finished a row. By the time I started Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire I had finally moved beyond a simple garter stitch.

I learned how to cook while spending weekends in Grafton with my high school best friend. We'd choose elaborate dishes from cookbooks and bring them to life in the kitchen of her family's 100-year old farmhouse. Her mother taught me how to eat fresh artichokes; one by one we plucked the leaves and scraped the flesh away with our teeth.

Last week I made dinner with a friend who was visiting from Omaha. She scrubbed potatoes as I chopped onions and tossed them into a sizzling pan. To be honest, it was awkward and bumbling at the start. There was tension between us, a lingering trace of resentment, heartache, and distrust from a decade-old rift. “I've missed you, you know” she finally said, as she tucked the pan of potato wedges into the oven and gingerly shut the door. “God, I've missed you too,” I agreed, pulling her into a tight hug. In that moment, I realized we were making so much more than dinner; we were making amends.

Making: 12.09.2013

When there's a gun on the mantle contradicting the fireplace
in full view from the prone position
and the jailer is at your back
you make do
all the while plotting your escape

file to steel
file to steel
file to steel
file to steel

When you find yourself back in the cell
after a brief false freedom
(with no revolution knocking down the door
no furious mob with sticks and flames
not even a spare lone flare)
there is leery food on the table
and when the tyrant looks across and through you
sitting erect on his throne
you will lock yourself away willingly
just to suspend that stare

A lifetime can be spent unraveling a moment

A cage becomes comfort
safety in the closing walls
freedom malleable and dull

We can force to forget
until Time aids in the deletion of memory

But in the Night
the pillow cradles our dreams
steel crumbles like dust
whisked away in the slightest breeze
and there we fly
light and free

Making: 12.08.13

Making doesn't just take one.
No matter how hard one tries,
One must always look elsewhere for certain things.
Be it needs of certification from town authorities,
Or from dear friends giving us authenticating attention.

Don't try and do it alone.
Making while forsaking is explicitly isolating
From the community where you will make.

Really,
It's because making is sharing,
And sharing is from the true self.

You can try and do it all yourself,
But only if you want to share
What you make
With no one...EVER...at all!!!!!

Up: 12.06.2013

"Oh mannnn....I just bought that coffee....." The words slurred off his bubble gum lips and onto the floor following his extra large sugary caffeine beverage. This beverage spilled on to the counter, onto the cashier, onto lottery tickets, onto me and not on him.
 
He asked for a towel and started to wipe the counter. He saw me, I was next in line, he saw her, she was in line after me. She was an elderly lady. He saw us, he saw his empty cup and he saw the cashier's look of distain. He fled.
 
Next to the convenient store was the establishment from which he purchased his icy summer coffee.  I was pregnant, she was elderly and the other was working.   He walked out and us three were cleaning this adult child's mess. I was on my knees wiping the floor, she was wiping the counter and the other was wiping down the register and I watched this boy laughing though the glass door and I stood up.
 
I opened the door and said to him: "My children are six and 1 and a half and they clean up after themselves better than you. You have left a pregnant woman, an elderly woman and a woman who is working to clean up your mess. I'm not sure how you were brought up but I will not clean up after you nor will I let these other women do it. You come back in here and help."
 
The line of people and the staff at the coffee dispensary looked on with slack jaws and the man boy looked at me with shock and confusion.
 
Is this how we are raising our children these days? Is this how we are brought up? 

Up: 12.05.13

Autumn (continued)

11.

Okay, I'm up, I'm up;
rising
not quite singing

but I'm up
and everything feels different
although I'm not sure why
exactly

but it's different
uncomfortable perhaps
oppressive maybe
and the bed I just left sings a siren's song

beckoning 
welcoming
sheltering

and for a moment I...

but instead I turn away
and when I open the door
just to see

the wind bites my cheek
the thinnest blanket of icy cobweb snow is sparkling
the rooster is sleeping in
and I know the season has made it's crossing over
has snapped

and there is only forward motion now

but I'm up, I'm up
to greet it. 

Up: 12.03.2013

"Up!"

She reached her chubby, but tiny, arms as high as she could. It was one of her first words that everyone could understand and react to.

I bent down and happily obliged, snuggling my quickly growing baby. In a little over a year she had gone from tiny newborn to vocal baby. The months had slipped by at lightning speed.

"Up!!!"

She smiled a gummy smile. Words had power. Her words. Her power.

______________________________________________________

"Do you think it'll follow us home?"

Her eyes were fixed on the moon. She had recently discovered it and was completely fascinated.

"We are going home now, c'mon moon."

Nearly every night that we were out, she would have these little conversations. Coaxing the moon to follow along. Her two year old brain was trying to understand much much bigger things these days.

"Mommy, can you pick it up the moon for me?"

Her thoughts were growing so fast with her, I tried to keep up.

________________________________________________________

"Can you pick me up?"

She has been asking some form of that request nearly daily since gaining the ability to say words. I wrapped my arms around her and pretended to strain against her weight.

"I am getting so big, Mommy!!"

She was. Over 3 years old. Her body has grown, her mind has grown, her imagination and her temper. Everything is big these days. Big resistance and bigger dreams. Our days are filled with big. Small requests to wash hands or pick up toys become big. Big fights, big compromises, big sighs, big love. My little girl is big in so many ways. I relish the moments that she wants me to hold her. They are fleeting. If I blink too slowly, hesitate for a second, I may miss my chance. So, I grab it, I grab ahold of her and the moment. I squeeze her and cover her in kisses. I sneak in a head sniff. Then she wriggles free and leaves my lap for another big adventure.

My little girl is big in so many ways. She is growing. Up.

Up 12.2.13

Waking Early, Utila

On the island there are mornings
when the outline of laundry on the porch,
shadows of banana trees,
flare jet against a sky banked
with flaming coals.

The next time you open
your eyes, moments later,
it has gentled, rose gold.

Then steel and white silver,
and if you stare long enough
the ocean appears,

a line of blue iron.

Bedtime: 11.29.2013

“Amanda.” She said. “You may call me Amanda. It’s my real name”


I pretend I care. She thinks adding a deeper level of intimacy will make me get of harder. It won’t.


I lower my chin below her hairline and as my lips graze her skin “.....Amanda…”. Mostly I’m just saying it out loud as to commit it to memory.


Placing her gently on the bed I crawl over her and tug on the pull string of the bedside table lamp. The room goes black.


And like the switch that was turned off my mind turns on to Rachel. In my mind I’m with Rachel. This woman, ‘Amanda’, has the same slender legs as Rachel. She has the same flat backside as Rachel. I can tell this prostitute is self conscious of her flat butt, just like Rachel.


She starts to talk to me and I tell her “Shhhh, quiet baby.” I don’t want her to dilute the barely nearness I’m getting to Rachel. Rachel wouldn’t talk. She would just experience it.


Amanda quiets and lays back. Her breasts fall to the sides of her chest and her stomach has a belt of stretch marks, each a telling of a child born. I ripple my fingers over them and let out a heavy, deep sigh. Just like Rachel.


I run my fingers up her trunk past the curve of the side of her breast and over her neck up the side of her face and into her loose curly hair. My mind flashes to the late of the summer days and I can just see Rachel on a walking trail up ahead of me. She turns around quickly and her curls...oh, her curls just make me ache.


I grip on to Amanda’s hair and pull her head back start to kiss her jawline. My other hand searches down the other side of Amanda over her belly button, over her hair, in between her legs, down the inside of her thigh. Then its over. I lose it. I go flaccid and pretend play time is over. It didn’t work, again.


I give Amanda money for her time and walk this poor confused woman out the door after much insisting that she didn’t do anything wrong.


I head back to my bed and crash onto my pillow which quickly becomes saturated with the ocean of salty tears that are now pouring out of my eyes. Rachel is gone. She is dead. My wife is dead and I just can not move on. No matter how many prostitutes might look similar to her, none of them have that unforgettable quirky mole on the inside of their thigh. Rachel is dead and she’s never coming back.

I roll over, I set my alarm clock, I go to bed. Rachel is dead.

Bedtime 11.28.2013


###
This is one chapter of a novel I'm writing, in its first-draft form. Enjoy!
###



Ted slid a crisp twenty across the counter of the bodega and took a swig of stale, burnt coffee from a styrofoam cup. As the clerk pulled change from the register, his eyes drifted behind her, to a wall of cigarettes and batteries, falling longingly on a pack of Lucky Strikes. “Actually,” he said, “add a pack of those.”

As he stepped back onto the street and made his way towards Times Square, he balanced the coffee atop a newspaper kiosk and tapped the pack into his left hand. He had a cigarette in his mouth, hanging loosely from his lips, and was patting down his pockets in search of a lighter before he remembered he wasn't a smoker. Feeling confused and embarrassed, he pulled the stick from his mouth and carefully slid it back into the pack, then tucked the box into the pocket of his slacks.

Ted kept his hand on the box in his pocket as he walked, pondering what had just happened. Then, tossing his drained cup on top of an overflowing trash bin, he descended the stairs into the cold, damp subway.

After an exceptionally drab meeting, Ted crossed the street to Dot's Diner and slid into a booth across from Peter, a childhood best friend who shared the same love for Dot's cherry pie. Peter watched as Ted dragged a spoon through his black coffee, obviously distracted.

Is something wrong?”, he finally asked.
Huh?”, Ted asked, snapping back into reality. “Oh. I was just thinking about something strange that happened to me this morning.”
The waitress interrupted, setting their sandwiches in front of them. “Can I get you anything else?”
Looks great. We're all set,” Peter said. As the waitress moved on to the next table, Peter turned his attention back to Ted. “So, what happened this morning?”
It's silly.” Ted paused, staring out the window and squinting from the glare. “I've been having these dreams. Pretty much every night for a couple weeks now.”
Nightmares?”
No. They aren't nightmares. They're just weird. In my dreams, I'm smoking.”
Peter laughed, nearly choking on a potato chip. “I thought you were going to tell me something weird. You look so serious! So you're smoking in your dreams, so what?”
The thing is, I've never smoked a day in my life. But in my dreams it feels so real.”

A strong breeze blew outside, shaking the window and sending a man's hat twirling through the wind, landing lightly on the sidewalk outside. “That's not the weirdest part,” Ted finally confessed. He reached into his pocket, fishing out the box, and sliding it across the table. “I bought these this morning.”

Peter flashed Ted a look of confusion. “But you don't smoke.”
I know. But I'm telling you... these dreams are so real. This morning I forgot that they're just dreams. I bought them without even thinking.”
Why are they open?”

Ted fidgeted in his seat and picked at his sandwich. “I had one in my mouth before I remembered.”
Peter laughed again. “What? You're shitting me.”

Ted lowered his head into his hands and let out a moan. “Work must be getting to me. They're just typical stress dreams, right? Maybe I just need a vacation.”

Typical. Right.” Peter reluctantly agreed.

Bedtime: 11.27.2013

Autumn (continued)

10.

The moon rises up into the branches
hanging like an ornament
just for a while

and I know I should
put out the lights
breathe in
breathe out
burrow down under warm blankets

but I don't

because it's quiet now
and the time is mine
if only for the space to let my brain run free
without distraction

but it only takes minutes
for the electric hum of refrigeration
for a dripping faucet
for purring cats
to win

and so I seek solace under the moonglow

narcotic
lulling
hushed

and I stay until the cold begins to bite
I stay until the words come
I stay until there is enough stillness in my mind

to steel myself from the intoxicant night-serenity
and burrow down
finally
under warm blankets
breathing in
breathing out


Bedtime: 11.26.2013

Ah, bedtime. The first word that comes to mind is: No.

No sleeping.
No talking.
No tossing and turning.
No alone time.
No. No. No.

I have been so focused on changing my way of thinking. Changing how I approach life and being a little easier on myself and my loved ones.

Then, bedtime happens.

Most nights it is a shit show of tears and fights and stories and bribes. It nearly always ends with both my husband and I exhausted and thinking that there has to be a better way. We have tried just about everything we are comfortable with and yet still, the battle of the bedtime rages on.

By the time little eyes start to droop my patience has been worn thin. The tires on my parenting vessel are tread-less, I can't stop my emotions from slamming into my daughter's. The clash is epic and no one wins. By the time she settles down, I have gone from a content, happy mom, to an angry, frustrated mom. She eventually drifts off and I feel awful. What is it about bedtime that brings out the angry green guy who lives deep inside?

This will be my next self-improvement project. I can feel a shift happening in more recent weeks. The nights that end peacefully are starting to outweigh the horrendous ones. My anxiety at 7:30 is considerably less than it was two months ago. I have to hold onto the faith that this too shall pass.

Before I gave birth to my daughter I had visions of nighttime bliss. Stories followed by sweet snuggles as she would drift off to sleep. Evenings spent recapping my day with my husband while the kiddo would sleep soundly in her bed.

Flash forward to over three years later. She is passed out in our bed, taking up more space with her 30 pound body than my husband and I combined. This slumber is only after the aforementioned struggle. Sure, books and snuggles are part of the routine but so are arguments and lost tempers, guilt and an undeniable feeling of failure.

It is the latter that I struggle with the most. I have to let go of the unrealistic fantasy and ease off the pressure I put on myself and my child. Nothing in parenting is as you planned but that doesn't make it any less perfect. Tonight, during the bedtime boycott, I will try to focus on the good. I will ease up on the ideals and in turn, ease up on myself.

Gather 11.21.2013


Each year, around this time, I start gathering up my journals. Not just the ones from this year, but as many as I can find. My rule is to always, always be honest in my journals-- even when it hurts, even when I can't bear to be honest in real life. So these journals, they sometimes hold parallel realities: what I knew vs. what I lived.

My favorite journal was penned in 2009. It's red (the only non-black journal I've had in over a decade). I kept this journal when I was having daily panic attacks that left me incapacitated. It's filled with fear, sadness, and intense emotional and physical pain. A lot of the entries are bleak; I wrote a lot about not knowing if I'd ever overcome the panic attacks, wondering if it was all too much to deal with, wondering what the scarring would look like if I ever managed to heal.

That journal, though dark, depressing, and filled with pain and suffering, is such a testament to how much I (we) can endure, and how something better is waiting to emerge. That year is still teaching me lessons about how to be more honest, more open, more healthy, more happy. I'm a better person for it.

We're stronger than we think. 

Gather: 11.20.2013

Autumn (continued)

9.

I've set a place at table
where we'll gather

and feel all the good things

warm
safe
nourished

where the fruits of summer's labor
have not yet gone soft
and produce a feast worthy of fine dishes
but our cracked and worn crockery will do

a feast
to be grateful for
to linger over
to tell the story of

some other time

a humble feast
rich in intention
extravagant in simplicity
abundant in heart

and we'll share more than we thought we had
with a lightness that surprises us
with a heaviness that grounds us
with a feeling that we'll wonder if we can keep with us
in the days that follow

so, I've set a place at table 
and I hope that you will find it.

Gather: 11.19.2013

Quite house, still, calm
They will arrive one by one
They will fill these four walls
With laughter
And conversation
With celebration
And love
We gather
We eat
We smile
Dinner after dinner
Meal after meal
Tummies full
Hearts swell
Birthdays, holidays, every days
We gather
To laugh
To celebrate
To love

Gather, 11.18.13

Gathering Fish, El Tunco

A shirtless man throws a net, bright green,
into the murky shallows at the mangroves’ edge.

He wades in chest deep & hauls the lines, hand over hand-
several coin-bright fish, snagged.

On shore, the man plucks them flipping from the tangle,
tosses them into a plastic bucket.

From a distance I watch the wet blinks of silver,
their brief, furious writhing,

wonder:

what is it like, to drown in air?
Thick as tar pits & oil, or thin & harsh
like desert air, or the acrid grit of smoke, car fumes.

Or just the feel of reaching
in the dark for what is not there.

The fisherman, net picked clean, casts again.

Beginnings: 11.15.2013

Beatrice winced her eyes shut tight. She was ready to see the sound of her heart falling to the tiled floor, shattering into a million pieces. The double strip, a sure sign of the beginning. He was going to leave.


Daniel, a man of routine and instruction and of rules and regulations. A man of calculated risks and ponderings and of worse case scenarios. He had the plan all down pat. He had looked at this picture from every single possible angle. When he got home. He would start his own beginning. He was going to leave.


Beatrice held her own and used her own momentum and love and desire to turn the cogs. Each wheel click moving another click of motion. The intricate clockwork of rotations and cycles leading to something bigger than her. She knew from that moment that Daniel came home and started his own beginning that she never knew when the clock would strike. Or what the clock would read, for that matter.


Daniel, a man of routine and instruction and of rules and regulations. He knew his math was good. He was being logistical. He was finding his own way. When the double strip story trailed off her tongue in the sing-songy way it had twice before he let his emotions cloud the reason. Objective became subjective. His mind couldn’t function that way. It was messy and hazy. It was the beginning, again. Again. Again. Again.


Beatrice saw in his eyes a patterning of a spiral staircase. pupils circling the center and spinning wildly out of control. She reeled and pulled. She worked like a fisherman working his nets working each rope as to not lose her precious breadwinning catch. Her passion for her trade, for her love, was slippery rope slipping through her fingers in a frigid squall like night lost at sea.  

It was the beginning, indeed. The beginning of very hard times.

Beginnings: 11.13.2013

Autumn (continued)

8.

Every morning is a tiny new beginning
a series of them 
over and over

and I gaze in the half-light 
through smudged glass 
wondering if it's as cold as it looks

outside

where the edges grow sharper with each
passing moment of sun rising over the hills
where the movements of other waking creatures 
filter into my thoughts and disrupt my inner soundscape
where I stand for a moment and find the quiet again

and we shake hands
this new day and I
like long lost friends
but somehow
also
like we've only just met

taking in the curious feeling
we look at each other
for a time

feeling that morning-time is different than other-time

stretching
holding
nourishing

then we laugh
because we realize we are still holding hands

and I bring the new day closer to me
full of hope
full of promise
full of so many beginnings

we embrace
and suddenly
I'm alone

but I know that I'm not
not really
and walk forward into the morning.

Beginnings: 11.12.2013

Sometimes, the beginning of something great comes disguised as an end. Sometimes, something painful gives you the motivation you need to try harder.

I started the current incarnation of my blog a year ago. Exactly one year ago today, it went live at it's current URL. It was a fun thing for me to do to document my life parenting a rambunctious 2 year old. It gave me an outlet for my thoughts, a safe place for my words to live.

I never really had much confidence in what I wrote, I just enjoyed the process. Seeing the words on the screen or page felt cathartic. Sharing on such a public forum was nerve wracking. What would people think? Would they like what I had to say, would they like me?

Over time a small group of followers assembled. Mostly family, there was also a friend or two who would regularly read my work. They liked it. They liked me. My confidence grew with every word of encouragement.

Then, I was offered a column in our local paper. I would get paid to write. I was beyond excited but even more nervous. I still felt new. I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I decided to set aside my fears and go for it. At worse, it wouldn't work out and I would resign. At best, I would be a paid writer.

Excited and needing to share some nervous thoughts I shared the news with my friends and family. Everyone was supportive and encouraging. Everyone but the one person I wanted to be, a fellow writer and friend that I looked up to.

The lack of support led to the demise of our friendship. I immediately blamed myself and assumed my writing was no good. That I had made a terrible decision and shouldn't have taken the position. I doubted every word. If someone I thought to be a great writer couldn't support me, how was the general public supposed to?

My first deadline came and I went for it. I had committed to this adventure and didn't want to disappoint those who were supporting me. Meanwhile, my blog posts dwindled. My personal writing came to a halt. I allowed this blame and self doubt to derail me. I lost my footing and took some time to figure things out.

What I didn't know was that this dark time, this struggle, was the beginning of something. Slowly the support grew. Strangers stopped me in the grocery store to tell me how much they loved my column. I started to post on my blog again. My readership doubled the first month I was back. The number of people following my blog on social media tripled in a month. My confidence grew.

Something shifted. I no longer was writing to try to fit in with someone I looked up to. I was writing for me again. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, I was sitting down and challenging myself to be the best writer I could be. I had gone back to where I started. I was doing this because I loved it.

I have produced some of the best work of my life in the past few months. It feels amazing to say that. It feels incredible to have confidence in what I do. In what I love. I have made some of the best friends I could ever ask for and I have connected with some of the most sincere and incredible people. All because of a new beginning. All because of a beginning disguised as an end.