On My Plate 05.04.2013

written by nettie lane

The plate my sister sent me by artist Sharon McAuley
On my plate is a tiny island where ripples of seawater gulp methodically and spruce stand stoically somehow finding anchorage through the granite. I can hear the fog horn amidst cries of prodigal sea birds. Buoys bob and dot the distance marking territory, each a lobsterman’s signature. Here, 'lobsterman' is a generic term referring to man or woman, although it is mostly men who are hauling the catch. Women, I am told, manage the money and do the taxes. A tutor at the local high school related this story: a sophomore, when having trouble in math, said he didn't have a reason to learn because when he married, his wife would do all of the accounting. That's just the way it goes. Here, an eighth grader can work the summer season and in that short time equal their teacher's salary. They work hard though. Up at 4am and done by 4pm, only to repeat it the next day...and the next. The work ethic is strong.


Black Dinah Chocolates
It is also a place of artists and artisans. My first hand experience has to do with chocolate and coffee. (You can tell where my priorities lie). How can one resist chocolates with names like strawberry balsamic, blueberry black pepper, downeast sea breeze (Maine bog cranberries, cranberry potato vodka, milk chocolate, topped with a dried cranberry), or tree-to-sea caramel (Maine maple caramel, bittersweet chocolate, apple smoked Maine sea salt). All handmade with integrity and ethics.

I found a small coffee roasting company that specializes in small batch, responsibly sourced, organic, fair-trade coffee. They hand silk screen their coffee bags. I had to buy their "Royal Tar" blend because it is named and dedicated to the 'Circus ship' that sank off the island in 1836. It's a tragic, sad story. The ship caught fire, burning for 2 days. Sixty of the ninety passengers were saved. But the ship was also carrying a menagerie of circus animals:  lions, a Bengal tiger, snakes, camels, horses and a beloved elephant named Mogul. They all perished. Legend has it that some managed to escape to nearby islands where they say some of their descendants live today. What kind of descendants? I would love to believe some of those glorious animals made it to a safe harbor. In that brief moment before the owner answers, I imagine a neighboring island that has indeed become a wildlife refuge. That somehow the lions and camels, along with Mogul, made it to safety. Where humans finally left them alone. Their very own retirement village. Sort of a cross between Animal Farm and Noah's Ark without Noah. But she answers with snakes. Reports of very large snakes seen slithering around some nearby isles. I've also read that two horses managed to swim to safety.

This is the second time in two months that I am back in this small corner of the world, working in the schools as an artist-in-residence teaching circus skills. The first, I found myself on an even smaller Isle, six miles by two miles, with only four boys in the entire (one-room) school house. We made a deal the first day. I would teach them circus skills and they would teach me all about lobsters, which I honestly knew nothing about. I have never eaten a 'fully clothed' crustacean. I may have had some lobster pieces in a pasta once, I think...maybe?

I didn't grow up eating a lot of fish as my Dad was highly allergic--anaphylactic shock allergic, puffing up and not able to breathe allergic. So we rarely ate the stuff save for a tin of  'chicken of the sea'  tuna or frozen fish sticks, which was normally consumed on Fridays during Lent. I feel a little ashamed admitting this, but until the boys educated me, I didn't realize lobsters weren't red! I know...it is embarrassing! Apparently, the major pigment in the shell, astaxanthin, is bonded with other proteins, thus giving the shell all those other colors. When a lobster is cooked, the heat breaks those bonds and the natural red color of the astaxanthin is revealed...free at last. Well, the color, not the lobster. The boys didn't know about astaxanthin, I decided to research a bit to make amends for my ignorance.

Guess what else I unearthed? Did you know the bladders of American lobsters are in their head and they urinate out of their faces? Perhaps this is where we get the expression "pee-brain." And upon further research, I discovered urine figures prominently in their mating rituals. Females scope out the neighborhood to find the alpha male. It's not that hard to do since he is out and about beating up all the other lobsters, asserting his dominance. They'll follow him home after his night of roughhousing, stand at the entrance to his lair and squirt their pheromone-laced urine inside. Over time, this aggressive male responds to the sweet perfume, even using the little fins under his tail to swish it around his bachelor pad. Eventually, it's safe for the female to move in without the fear of being killed. (Lobsters are into cannibalism). And then this is the really cool thing...the sweet and tender part to this story. In order to mate, the female has to undress or shed her shell. She molts. This puts her in an extremely vulnerable situation. Her guy could easily kill her with his sharp claws, for now she is all soft and exposed. The bully on the block, intoxicated by love (or at least a very arousing aphrodisiac) responds by gently, so very gently, caressing her all over with his long antennae. And their elaborate and delicate ritual begins. I don't know the specifics, but it has been mentioned that the details are quite racy. When they are done, they both take a bite out of her discarded shell, the lobster equivalent to having a ciggy after the 'deed.' She lives with him until her shell grows back (about 10 days) and it is safe to go outside. And when she does, there's another one of her sisterhood, waiting at the door and it starts all over again. Serial monogomy.

I don't know how I have wandered from On My Plate to lobster sex! Because what I really wanted to write about was simply my plate. I have 3 of them now, recently acquiring a small one as a gift from my sister, a gesture of support for my writing. And about my bowls. And my cups. And even my spoon. About how I am trying to simplify. How I want to have a relationship with not only the food on my table, but my place setting, too.

Ceramic Vessel by Blaze Birge
My two other plates have solid weight and strength to them. They remind me of the ceramic artist who made them, my friend Nick in California. He used to be the Strongman in the small circus I was involved in before moving East. I have other beauties from his wood fired Anagama (Japanese style) kiln--a bowl, a mug, a cup his wife Jess made. On my 40th birthday my trapeze teacher gifted me a beautiful vessel that I keep on my altar. It holds charred matchsticks, each representing a night of prayer. That also was fired on the same property. When these objects alight my table, I am reminded of firings that take an entire week and a schedule of round-the-clock firetenders. I am whisked away to the Redwoods and Mendocino coast--to shared experiences of love, beauty and those special kiln pizzas.

I have a small cup made by Sara, a local artist here in Brattleboro. It was specifically made and sanctioned in the colors of a cabaret show I co-produced and performed in 3 years ago. And a bowl from Eric, a ceramic artist turned circus-burlesque performer, and my cohort in that particular adventure.
Cups by Rising Meadow Pottery and Sara Meehan

My most recent treasured additions come from a husband and wife team in Middletown Springs, Vermont (population 745). I stayed with them while working at the local school. I will generalize now, much like I did at the beginning of this post, and say that the few ceramic artists I have known seem to lead holistic, creative lives. Meaning their way of life, their artfulness, permeates everything. Perhaps it has something to do with shaping earth with their hands and using water, air and fire in their craft. When leaving, I was gifted with a beautiful cup made by Diane and a gorgeous bowl made by Nick. Are all male ceramic artists named Nick? In my world they are. He specializes in making local, indigenous glazes, taking the waste product from a nearby slate quarry (as well as using a granite, soapstone and marble mix from another local business which makes headstones for graves) and transforming it into the colors I see on my bowl.

And then there is my spoon. A Christmas gift a few years ago from my housemate at the time. Erik is like a brother to me. A metalsmith by trade, a jokester at heart, and at those brilliant lovely times, the engineer who makes manifest the crazy ideas and pictures in my head. He saw my place setting. He noticed what I was trying to do. He realized I lacked utensils in my venture. So, he made me a spoon. Like Nick's plates, it has a beautiful weight, feel and look.

Plate by Flynn Creek Pottery
Bowl by Rising Meadow Pottery
Spoon by Newquist Metalsmithing
These are the stories and people that gather round and grace my table. The Roaster, the Chocolatier, Ceramic Artists, Family and Friends. In Vermont it is easy to have the Farmer and the Sugarer, too. (Last year I walked my large Mason jar down to my neighbor who does his maple syruping with draft horses in the woods). I do spend many meals with a table setting for one, but I am not alone. One day, I may even have the company of a Maine lobster on my plate.



ON MY PLATE 05.03.13

Pull up a chair.  Grab a cup of coffee, light a cigarette, get your Earl Grey tea with one sugar, what ever your poison is. Sit down.  I want to spend some time with you. I miss you!

See its time to eat and I've made my favorite dish. It's too much for me on my own. Would you help me get to the bottom of it?

Here, your fork.  Wait what's that smell?  Ughck. Excuse me, my little ham needs a diaper change. See we just switched to cloth diapers.  It's a bit of a process now.  Can't just....Sit still you little monster....No! No.....Don't! Don't kick the diaper.....Ugh....Um, yeah, so I cant just throw away the diaper anymore. I've got to go clean it.  Also the little dear needs a foot scrub.  I'll be right back.  Go on, eat!

Okay! So, where was I?  Right. My favorite dish. Yes. It's so good.  Do you like it? It's sweet and.....SUPER! That's my cat! He's constantly trying to eat Cheeseburger. No, I named my bird Cheeseburger. I left Cheeseburger on his perch and...SUPER, CAT! I'LL KILL YOU!!! I'll be right back. I have to go put the cat out back and the bird back in the cage.

Do you need a napkin?  It's really messy, I know. So worth it.  Oh! Where is the phone....It's ringing.  Where is...Ah-hah! Hello? Oh no....What's his temp?  101.5....Do you need me to pick him up? Thank you so much. I'll be there in a few hours.  Kiss him for me.  Bye.  That's my little guy.  He's sick again.  The doctors cant quite pin it down to allergies, asthma or adenoids.  His father will get him and keep him at his house for a little. I can still eat with you! Here, let me get you some water.

Do you want ice? Hold that thought!! I have to pee! I'll be right back...Whooo! I almost didn't make it!  This whole being pregnant thing really makes the whole bathroom situation a priority. I'm glad you asked.  Yes, I'm feeling great!  Not sure what will happen in the third trimester.  My specialist thinks that I will get sick again. But right now, right now I'm good.  Don't worry about me. Eat! Right. Your water. Hold on.

Alright. The water. Mmm. I love this food. It's better warm but I don't always get to eat a warm meal if you couldn't tell. Haha. The mail is here!  I'm waiting for a check. Four letters. What's your bet it's not in here? Medical bill, student loan collector, home insurance bill and a credit card offer.  Hey, no worries. It'll come. Just...not today.  Bills will have to wait till....whenever I guess. Whatever...just as long as we make that first mortgage payment. That's all that really matters.

Enough about me, tell me about your new boyfriend!  Is he cute? Aww. I can't wait to meet...Baby! No! NO! Um...I'll be right back....No! you can't play with the dirty diapers.  Stop! Don't put that in the toilet....Please, give it to Momma....NO! Ugh!!! Here....watch some 'toons. Ugh...I have to pick up these diapers that Mr. Ham Bone thoughtfully threw into the toilet...Then wash my hands. Be right back.

OK! I'm not getting up again! More! Tell me about Mr. New Guy. Ohhh...He owns his own business. Pays his bills?  Cute? Wow. Go you! I really want to meet him. When is he coming to town next?  The phone, excuse me. Oh, hey. Yeah I said I would be there at three. It's only noon. Has he gotten worse? Have you called the doctor?  I'll take care of it. No, its fine. IT'S FINE. Just relax. Yes, we are still meeting next Wednesday to talk about the new visitation schedule and talk about where he will go to school next year. No, I wont forget. Do you need me to come now? Ok. I'll be there at three. No I wont be late.

Sorry.  Sometimes he gets worked up when Mr. Kindergarten gets sick. We all do.  Tensions run high. Whew! I'm sorry it's been so busy. Usually it's...well...It's always this crazy. You've GOT to be joking! I'm so sorry, It's Hubs. I have to....Hi Sweetie. Yeah she's visiting now. Right, so now is NOT a good time. I know you want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. Ugh. Stop. Of course I love you. I just said I don't want to talk about it. NO! Goodbye. Sigh...Well, we've been stressed out...butting heads. Oh! No...don't worry we're good. Rock solid. Life is just stressful these days. Bills, Little Guy, Little Guy's dad, the toddler monster, new house, the pets, marriage, a new baby on the way. We're good.

There's just a lot on my plate these days.  I'm fine. Eat! 

ON MY PLATE 05.02.2013


I eat as one might paint: with a palette of flavors for my blank tongue—or for my blank palate, you could say. I mix and match, combining flavors and textures.

My food inhabits specific places on my plate, each element separate and waiting.

There are particular flavors and textures that I admire most, or rather, that float readily to the surface of my mind, vividly sensorial.

Onions come up over and over again:

Thin-sliced, nearly razor-thin, in a salad. (There are different flavors with different thicknesses.)

Minced in sizzling butter, the smell filling a home quickly, putting smiles on faces in distant rooms.

Diced with rough chopped cilantro topping stewed meat nestled in soft corn tortillas.

Sliced longitudinally, into thin crescent moons, slowly stirred in the pan until brown and sweet.

And then there’s all the rest, one set of flavors cascading over another:

Fresh crusty bread,
garlic oil,
creamy brie,
prosciutto.

Fresh hummus, warm pita.

Fried chicken, the crust crisp and fighting back, yielding to moistness.

Grilled bread, and while still hot, still barely manageable with your fingers, raw garlic rubbed deep into the crumb.

Macaroni and cheese, from scratch.

Vinegar-spiked beets with crumbly, tangy goat cheese.

Fresh tomatoes off the vine.
A certain earthiness, the taste of soil and sunshine.
A musty quality.

The sharp, peppery bite of arugula--"rocket," so say the Brits.

Small, sweet, briny mussels, bathed in garlic and white wine.

The crispy bits of cheese that melt to the bottom of my toaster tray.

Salty, very thin potato chips.

A poached egg.
The first runnings on buttered, crusty toast.

Something my friend's father turned me on to. Strange but good:
sharp cheddar,
thin slice of raw garlic,
dab of hot sauce.

Smoked meat sandwiches in Montreal. Soft rye. Sharp mustard.

Fragrant rice waiting for any number of curries.

The gentle snap of delicate papadoms between your tongue and the roof of your mouth, the toasted spice blooming.

Soft pretzels, crusted with rocky salt, dipped in strong mustard.
The cool satisfaction of beer to wash the salt and mustard away.

Garlic roasted in its skin with a bit of olive oil, salt, and pepper.
Good with toasted bread, but easy enough to eat like candy.

Strawberry ice cream, just melted a little, a viscous puddle at the mounded base. The central scoops soft and pliable.

Yum.





ON MY PLATE: 5.1.13



So I find myself, on International Workers' Day, searching for a full-time job. I'm casting my net wide, wondering if the 8 hours for "what I will" could soon be co-opted by the need to commute to said job, should I find it.

It got me thinking about that precious time that isn't Work or Sleep, and what I do with it. You see, I think I've been going about this all wrong. 

Before I go to bed at night, I start heaping things onto tomorrow's plate, even if there are remnants from the day still stuck to it. I get out of bed several times to jot down a few notes until I finally succumb to sleep. By the time I wake up in the morning, there is already a teetering, precarious pile of To-Do, and more often than not, it is more than one person can possibly achieve in one day. The Bedtime side of my brain apparently enjoys setting up the Waking side for failure. 

I'm almost ready to dig in when I come across a list that my husband has made. I study it and then ask him, "Is this your gardening list for the month?" 
"No," he replies. "The weekend."

Tonight, I'm going to wash my plate and put it on the rack.

On My Plate 04.30.2013

Over 40 years ago, my mother stepped onto a schoolyard as a healthy little girl and left with lifelong seizures. The head injury was caused by an ill designed game involving a pole, chain, and metal bar. The impact didn’t result in stitches but what happened beneath the surface shaped her life forever. And in turn mine.


Growing up it never occurred to me that my mom was different. She took a handful of pills every night and on occasion had what we call “spells”. These petite-mal seizures were a part of who she was, and still is. Some kids grow up with parents with asthma or allergies. They know to grab inhalers and epipens. I knew to keep an eye on my mom to make sure it didn’t get worse, but to otherwise go about my business and give her some space.


It was her normal. It was my normal.


On a sunny afternoon in the early 80’s my mom had a grand-mal seizure while cleaning my bedroom. I was in the living room of our small one bedroom apartment, Sesame Street on our television when I heard the crash. I was four and terrified. I ran in to find my mom on the floor, under my ride-on bouncy horse. She was shaking with blood dripping from her mouth from biting her tongue. I knew exactly what was happening. She was having a spell but this one was worse. Much worse. I ran up to her and yelled for her to wake up. Maybe, if I yelled loud enough she would come out of it. Yelling wasn’t helping her so I did what I thought was right. I ran to the phone and called for help. I remember hitting numbers but am not sure if I dialed correctly or not. I was worried but knew if I stay calm, my mom would be ok.


Neither my mom or I can remember if I actually completed the call. All I know is that my next memory was of my mom, conscious, and my grandmother soothing both of us. Everything was ok. My mom was ok. I went about to my play and life went on.


This was our normal. This was our life.


I always knew how to handle her spells. This grand-mal was no different. Later, as a teenager, when I would recall the story to friends they would say “That’s a lot for a kid to have on their plate.” I would always shake my head and say, “No. Not at all. This is our normal.”


I have never thought of my mom’s condition as a burden. I have never felt sad or sorry that I grew up with a mom with seizures. I don’t know any different. I do, however, find myself dreaming what it would have been like for my mom. What would have happened if she didn’t step onto that playground. What if a friend had called her away from the thing that hit her. What if the kid that flung the chain at her head had been sick that day. What if.


Then, I come back from my daydream. The what if’s fade. My mom is my mom. She is who she is not despite her injury but because of it. She is compassionate and understanding especially of those with limitations. She raised us to be open minded and not judge anyone. I never once felt like I had too much on my plate. I love my mom. It was completely ok if she sometimes needed me. I always need her.


-Michelle Stephens


ON MY PLATE 04.29.2013


When I was 8 or 9, my friends and I would concoct various types of garlicky butter sauces to pour over our Newman’s Own popcorn. We’d microwave butter and garlic in those little green and gray ceramic ramekins, and then sprinkle spices and liquids on top. There must’ve been cheese. There was always cheese. I didn’t grow up with nutritional yeast and soy sauce like my friend who lived on High Street did; that came later. These ritual popcorn sauce experiments happened during the same time that I learned about the layered smells of my body. I became fascinated by them. I couldn’t quite believe that I was capable of something so animal, so adult, so earthy and salty. I remember eating one of our popcorn experiments while watching Girls Just Want to Have Fun, and realizing that my body smelled rich and yeasty. It was confusing, but I kind of liked it. Later, in sixth grade, Liza, our Sex-Ed teacher, would tell us about how much she loved the smell of her husband’s sweat. Everyone thought it was kind of gross. I thought it was kind of awesome. I wondered if my future husband would like the smell of me one day.

I remember eating the marrow out of a lamb chop bone with a tiny spoon. On that same plate, I stacked piles of teeth tracked artichoke leaves. I remember thinking they looked like flower petals from the deep damp earth. They were dirty flower petals marked with my little teeth collapsing onto a marrowless bone.

My plate changed during Thanksgiving of the year that I turned 11, because I decided to become a vegetarian. Mostly, because of the blondie with the bowl cut named Mo, who lived in that hill town called Rowe. He was so sporty and kind and wholesome. I think I really just wanted to embody something about him. He became my boyfriend. His brown haired twin brother was a vegetarian too. Once, that same Sex-Ed teacher, sent us home with a pamphlet about the intense power of young love, and how we should defend ourselves if anyone ever trivialized our young experiences as “puppy love.” I listened to Dire Straights and imagined what it might feel like to be a part of his family. I also imagined us having our own family one day. I told some people that I changed the look of my plate because of that blondie named Mo. But, I told most people, that I changed the look of my plate because during soft ball season, I ate too many fast food burgers and I was starting to feel unhealthy.

During the year when we got stoned after school and played Hacky Sack in Beacon Field, when we weren’t heating up Hot Mama’s Black Bean Dip with extra cumin and hot sauce, we were making Potato Buds. We dressed them up with sour cream and cream cheese and sometimes even a little squirt of ketchup on the edge of the bowl. I’m not proud of the squirt of ketchup or the brown box of bits, but I craved them, and they suited me in those moments. My parents never bought things like that, but Carla always had them in her house, so I begged my mom to buy them at Stop and Shop. Sometimes, when my mom refused, I asked Carla to bring her box over. That cardboard lip already pressed in, and the metal spout ready.They were naughty and artificial. They were rich and gooey. We ate them and she talked about her senior soccer player crush with the shaggy hair and the Polish last name. We ate them and I talked about the one who I could never seem to get with or get over, though we craved each other for years.

The night I fell in love with restaurants, I remember everything on my plate. There was oven roasted monkfish with caramelized fennel and cilantro goat cheese pesto. There was a Bruschetta with a ridiculous tapenade that I craved long after I left that place. There was my first experience with panna cotta and desert wine. This was my beginning of decadently dining alone and documenting every bite.

On my plate, I visualize each bite as an opportunity to make a wish, say a prayer, set an intention. If I swallow the sauerkraut, I’ll win the grant. I chew the yellow pepper, my Poppi’s cancer will go away. I swallow this strawberry, I will remember that thing I have been forgetting for months, that I’m convinced is the key to me figuring it all out. Perhaps, this is just an elaborate way of making meaning out of something that will eventually turn into shit. Perhaps, in the meantime, I prefer to make something beautiful with all the consumable, digestible bits.

ON MY PLATE 04.28.2013

We ate orange wedges on your living room floor the day after your son was born. It was the only place you felt comfortable sitting, and you had been craving the juicy tartness throughout the last weeks of your pregnancy. Instead of flowers, I brought you 10 pounds of organic Valencias.

“Finally, the acid reflux is gone” you sighed, as you sucked the marrow from the rind.

Between the two of us, we ate five oranges, plucking wedge after wedge until the plate held nothing more than a layer of sticky juice.

You picked up the plate, eyed me apologetically, and licked it clean as I dug the orange pith from my fingernails. I grinned at your shy bravado and tried not to laugh as your baby slept in the nook of my folded legs. I laid my left hand on his day-old belly and felt his strong breath rise and fall beneath my palm.

As my heart swelled with love for this new tiny human, I wiped a tear from my cheek, and looked up to catch you doing the same.

“I...he’s just so....wow,” I stammered.

“I know. I grew him from scratch,” you beamed, as you dug more fruit from the bag and punctured the biggest one with your fingernails, prying away the flesh.