Bedtime 11.28.2013


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This is one chapter of a novel I'm writing, in its first-draft form. Enjoy!
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Ted slid a crisp twenty across the counter of the bodega and took a swig of stale, burnt coffee from a styrofoam cup. As the clerk pulled change from the register, his eyes drifted behind her, to a wall of cigarettes and batteries, falling longingly on a pack of Lucky Strikes. “Actually,” he said, “add a pack of those.”

As he stepped back onto the street and made his way towards Times Square, he balanced the coffee atop a newspaper kiosk and tapped the pack into his left hand. He had a cigarette in his mouth, hanging loosely from his lips, and was patting down his pockets in search of a lighter before he remembered he wasn't a smoker. Feeling confused and embarrassed, he pulled the stick from his mouth and carefully slid it back into the pack, then tucked the box into the pocket of his slacks.

Ted kept his hand on the box in his pocket as he walked, pondering what had just happened. Then, tossing his drained cup on top of an overflowing trash bin, he descended the stairs into the cold, damp subway.

After an exceptionally drab meeting, Ted crossed the street to Dot's Diner and slid into a booth across from Peter, a childhood best friend who shared the same love for Dot's cherry pie. Peter watched as Ted dragged a spoon through his black coffee, obviously distracted.

Is something wrong?”, he finally asked.
Huh?”, Ted asked, snapping back into reality. “Oh. I was just thinking about something strange that happened to me this morning.”
The waitress interrupted, setting their sandwiches in front of them. “Can I get you anything else?”
Looks great. We're all set,” Peter said. As the waitress moved on to the next table, Peter turned his attention back to Ted. “So, what happened this morning?”
It's silly.” Ted paused, staring out the window and squinting from the glare. “I've been having these dreams. Pretty much every night for a couple weeks now.”
Nightmares?”
No. They aren't nightmares. They're just weird. In my dreams, I'm smoking.”
Peter laughed, nearly choking on a potato chip. “I thought you were going to tell me something weird. You look so serious! So you're smoking in your dreams, so what?”
The thing is, I've never smoked a day in my life. But in my dreams it feels so real.”

A strong breeze blew outside, shaking the window and sending a man's hat twirling through the wind, landing lightly on the sidewalk outside. “That's not the weirdest part,” Ted finally confessed. He reached into his pocket, fishing out the box, and sliding it across the table. “I bought these this morning.”

Peter flashed Ted a look of confusion. “But you don't smoke.”
I know. But I'm telling you... these dreams are so real. This morning I forgot that they're just dreams. I bought them without even thinking.”
Why are they open?”

Ted fidgeted in his seat and picked at his sandwich. “I had one in my mouth before I remembered.”
Peter laughed again. “What? You're shitting me.”

Ted lowered his head into his hands and let out a moan. “Work must be getting to me. They're just typical stress dreams, right? Maybe I just need a vacation.”

Typical. Right.” Peter reluctantly agreed.

Bedtime: 11.27.2013

Autumn (continued)

10.

The moon rises up into the branches
hanging like an ornament
just for a while

and I know I should
put out the lights
breathe in
breathe out
burrow down under warm blankets

but I don't

because it's quiet now
and the time is mine
if only for the space to let my brain run free
without distraction

but it only takes minutes
for the electric hum of refrigeration
for a dripping faucet
for purring cats
to win

and so I seek solace under the moonglow

narcotic
lulling
hushed

and I stay until the cold begins to bite
I stay until the words come
I stay until there is enough stillness in my mind

to steel myself from the intoxicant night-serenity
and burrow down
finally
under warm blankets
breathing in
breathing out


Bedtime: 11.26.2013

Ah, bedtime. The first word that comes to mind is: No.

No sleeping.
No talking.
No tossing and turning.
No alone time.
No. No. No.

I have been so focused on changing my way of thinking. Changing how I approach life and being a little easier on myself and my loved ones.

Then, bedtime happens.

Most nights it is a shit show of tears and fights and stories and bribes. It nearly always ends with both my husband and I exhausted and thinking that there has to be a better way. We have tried just about everything we are comfortable with and yet still, the battle of the bedtime rages on.

By the time little eyes start to droop my patience has been worn thin. The tires on my parenting vessel are tread-less, I can't stop my emotions from slamming into my daughter's. The clash is epic and no one wins. By the time she settles down, I have gone from a content, happy mom, to an angry, frustrated mom. She eventually drifts off and I feel awful. What is it about bedtime that brings out the angry green guy who lives deep inside?

This will be my next self-improvement project. I can feel a shift happening in more recent weeks. The nights that end peacefully are starting to outweigh the horrendous ones. My anxiety at 7:30 is considerably less than it was two months ago. I have to hold onto the faith that this too shall pass.

Before I gave birth to my daughter I had visions of nighttime bliss. Stories followed by sweet snuggles as she would drift off to sleep. Evenings spent recapping my day with my husband while the kiddo would sleep soundly in her bed.

Flash forward to over three years later. She is passed out in our bed, taking up more space with her 30 pound body than my husband and I combined. This slumber is only after the aforementioned struggle. Sure, books and snuggles are part of the routine but so are arguments and lost tempers, guilt and an undeniable feeling of failure.

It is the latter that I struggle with the most. I have to let go of the unrealistic fantasy and ease off the pressure I put on myself and my child. Nothing in parenting is as you planned but that doesn't make it any less perfect. Tonight, during the bedtime boycott, I will try to focus on the good. I will ease up on the ideals and in turn, ease up on myself.

Gather 11.21.2013


Each year, around this time, I start gathering up my journals. Not just the ones from this year, but as many as I can find. My rule is to always, always be honest in my journals-- even when it hurts, even when I can't bear to be honest in real life. So these journals, they sometimes hold parallel realities: what I knew vs. what I lived.

My favorite journal was penned in 2009. It's red (the only non-black journal I've had in over a decade). I kept this journal when I was having daily panic attacks that left me incapacitated. It's filled with fear, sadness, and intense emotional and physical pain. A lot of the entries are bleak; I wrote a lot about not knowing if I'd ever overcome the panic attacks, wondering if it was all too much to deal with, wondering what the scarring would look like if I ever managed to heal.

That journal, though dark, depressing, and filled with pain and suffering, is such a testament to how much I (we) can endure, and how something better is waiting to emerge. That year is still teaching me lessons about how to be more honest, more open, more healthy, more happy. I'm a better person for it.

We're stronger than we think. 

Gather: 11.20.2013

Autumn (continued)

9.

I've set a place at table
where we'll gather

and feel all the good things

warm
safe
nourished

where the fruits of summer's labor
have not yet gone soft
and produce a feast worthy of fine dishes
but our cracked and worn crockery will do

a feast
to be grateful for
to linger over
to tell the story of

some other time

a humble feast
rich in intention
extravagant in simplicity
abundant in heart

and we'll share more than we thought we had
with a lightness that surprises us
with a heaviness that grounds us
with a feeling that we'll wonder if we can keep with us
in the days that follow

so, I've set a place at table 
and I hope that you will find it.

Gather: 11.19.2013

Quite house, still, calm
They will arrive one by one
They will fill these four walls
With laughter
And conversation
With celebration
And love
We gather
We eat
We smile
Dinner after dinner
Meal after meal
Tummies full
Hearts swell
Birthdays, holidays, every days
We gather
To laugh
To celebrate
To love

Gather, 11.18.13

Gathering Fish, El Tunco

A shirtless man throws a net, bright green,
into the murky shallows at the mangroves’ edge.

He wades in chest deep & hauls the lines, hand over hand-
several coin-bright fish, snagged.

On shore, the man plucks them flipping from the tangle,
tosses them into a plastic bucket.

From a distance I watch the wet blinks of silver,
their brief, furious writhing,

wonder:

what is it like, to drown in air?
Thick as tar pits & oil, or thin & harsh
like desert air, or the acrid grit of smoke, car fumes.

Or just the feel of reaching
in the dark for what is not there.

The fisherman, net picked clean, casts again.